The Lament of the Former Drunkard

by Twan - Aries

I could never figure out why I drank
It wasn't really fun
I hated getting out of bed
wore glasses without sun
It changed my personality
from sweet to sour
I went from gentle giant
to "see my power!"
I was an asshole when I drank, the last to know was me
Nearly lost my best friend, when I finally got to see

I thought I was a better person when I drank. Thought I was cool
But it was well past time to stop when it began affecting school
I'm bad at math. This I know
But I wasn't supposed to be that horrid. Not in that flow.

It made me look at myself in a way that's too hard to do
Take myself apart, but first hide the glue
Examine myself, look at my stomach which grew
then yell at myself in the mirror "FUCK YOU!"
Understand I drank to mask the rage and pain and shame
that flowed through me like lava and burned like a flame
And understand that people thought I was a clown
when I drank, which is why I finally put the bottle down.

It's painful at times to go through life sober, deal with issues straight
And sometimes I wish for a drink, to resign myself to fate
But then again, I'm the only one who can write that scene
This isn't a Lifetime movie...hell, I don't know what I mean

I live a gay life, gay friends, gay agenda
It's tough enough to deal with without being a Wallenda
And worse, it's tough to be a bearish guy who likes twinks (somewhat) 
And asking myself: Do I want or do I need this drink?
That'll change me from sweet Twan to a scumbag in a blink?
So I had to stop. I quit. Walked away. No more.
And I worry all the time that now I'm a pompous bore.
But that's a small price to pay to be back as I
There is no success at this unless I try.

Eight weeks of sobriety. This is in the bag. 
Unless I keep looking at myself, where my resolve begins to sag.
Then I remember. And suddenly, I feel fine
And finally through the door into Week Nine.
Birth sign: Aries
Date created: 2011-10-04 06:10:06
Last updated: 2021-03-03 14:47:17
Poem ID: 72238

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