Sometimes I believe that it would be easier to wake up and find that I am a vegetable. Non-responsive, eyes trailing, spit drooling and brain dead. That is why I tend to drink excessively. I am literally trying to kill my brain cells so that I can't think, I can't wonder, so that I can't dream. I'm not afraid of the pain or danger within my thoughts and visions. I fear the things I see and feel that bring my happiness to a higher level. I feel good when I see that my loved ones will be taken care of for eternity. My heart leaps for joy when I am assured that they will all be safe from the desolation to come. But most of the time, I'm drinking to forget and not to envision the things that bring me serenity. I smother my brain with alcohol so that I don't see those faces, those eyes, that flame that I have been told to wait to walk within. It's bad enough that I dream of being alone, but to see love that will never flourish is like a kick to the groin. Days come where the sun doesn't wish to shine its light, but just remembering the fire behind those eyes gives my flame the strength to part the clouds. These may only be dreams, they may be visions of what may come or they may only be the thoughts of a hopeless child longing to feel warm and safe. I ask the Lord for understanding of what I feel...He just tells me that my love is just and to never let the fire within me die. But I still wonder sometimes: Why hold onto a love that will never be returned? Why wait for some sliver of love that may never be expressed?... I guess that is where Faith comes in.
Reason for writing:
I'll tell if she will finally, one day want to know the truth...Anyone don't like it, you know where to stick your head...Love you all.Birth sign: Scorpio
You need to log in to edit this poem if it is yours.
View more poems by Charles Mathew Tyner III.